I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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