I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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