Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
