My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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