My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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