I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Never underestimate the power of titties
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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