I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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