I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
