i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
