my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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