No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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