apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
