Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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