they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
