Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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