Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
