I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
