If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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