drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
