Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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