1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
