Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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