If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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