i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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