god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize