I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
