you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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