you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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