So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
