I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
