goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
