so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
accomplished twins. life is a go
someone owes me an orgasm
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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