After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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