the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
