Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
