Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
