i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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