He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
