Moan for me like Helen Keller
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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