garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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