The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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