you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
