I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
