Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
