If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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