Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
