im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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