It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
