I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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