I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
