the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
