i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just puked most of my soul out..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
