I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
