that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
