He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize