I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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