Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
