i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
