new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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