Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
